Yeah, It’s A Rant, I Guess

[I must say this: don’t be put off by anything you find here. If you’re reading this, I’m probably not talking to you.

Ha, shows that I’m still afraid to really go off on a rant. Wouldn’t want to offend anyone.]

I was cleaning out my inbox this morning and came across some comments for this blog, which guilted me into starting a post. Well, that’s harsh. I always want to post but I don’t want to write something of mediocre quality that I’ll later regret. (In truth, the reason is probably more that I’m lazy, but we’ll go with the first for now.)

But here I am now, aware that, though few they may be, I actually do have a few readers and I should keep them coming back at least occasionally by making some additions from time to time. When I look at other blogs I usually see very short entries, maybe even just three lines. Especially celebrity blogs. Celebrities are so lazy. Why would they not put valuable time into communicating with (sorry, to) their ever-doting fans? Isn’t that a priority to them? Ha. If I were famous I’d write less too. Because obviously they don’t need Internet fans. I, on the other hand, seem to be doing this as a thinly veiled plea for kindred spirits. And I’m long-winded. Seems when I open up that certain valve, it takes a lot of force to get it shut again.

I’m going to do something new here: post poetry. Well, it rhymes, at least; I don’t know if I dare be so bold as to call it poetry. I’ve put some poems on Facebook before, but honestly, I’m not sure why I bother. I usually hate other people’s poems on Facebook. For some reason I consider my own different. And if people out there hate them, they keep their mouths shut, because it’s not polite to criticize someone’s creativity. Bah. Send it through the fire if you want anything of worth. Believe it or not, I don’t put things on Facebook to attract attention. Well, maybe I enjoy the attention when it comes. But my main sentiment is not, “Look at me, look at me.” If it were, I’d lip-sync pop songs on YouTube. Or something. No, my main feeling behind any publishings is, “Hey, I wrote this, what do you think?” But people seldom say what they think – they compliment, yes, and maybe it’s genuine, but that’s a very superficial reaction. I really want a deeper reaction – “What do you think? Are you changed by this?” Perhaps I’m being presumptuous, but ultimately I want my writing to change things (by things I mean people), and not just on an emotional level. I didn’t write a letter to my deceased grandfather because I was overcome with emotion, and I didn’t put it on Facebook so others could feel similarly! Don’t cry, change! Value the relationships you have that could be gone tomorrow.

But people cry and compliment and forget. However, that is the way of humans. It just means I need to practice to become a better writer, a deeper writer, a more…permanent writer. Sorry about that long paragraph, and sorry that it started sounding like a rant. One of these days I may forgive myself a real long, explosive rant (and it probably will never see the light of day) but for now I’m content to suppress them. They’re cheap and low-class, after all.

[Haha, I wrote that paragraph thinking that the next section would be fairly short. That was before I decided to let loose…]

However, I’ll push the line here once again. Because there’s one more thing I want to address that bothers me.

The ‘Like’ button.

(And before I launch in again, I suppose I should disclaim that I’m not against compliments per se. Thank you to all who’ve commented on anything that I’ve written anywhere, I really do appreciate it, and thank you especially for all the condolences. In fact, now that I slow down a bit, I realize that I should be careful what I say, because it could be misunderstood. Hmm. Okay. Let’s do it this way. I’m not talking to any of you guys. You all rock, except for the anonymous person who said, “This is fake.” To you, dear sir, I don’t quite understand what you mean, but I’m guessing you won’t be elaborating. To the rest of you, I appreciate you very much. When I complain, I’m talking more to the Facebook crowd, and not even to most of them, because they’re good people – I’m really just talking to a few select people. You know, the ones who say things like, “OMG this is SOO sad!!! it made me cry SOOO much!!!!!” That’s who I’m complaining about. The rest of you can rest easy. Whew. That was a long disclaimer.)

The ‘Like’ button. It’s appearing everywhere. First Facebook (at least, that’s where I first saw it), then YouTube, now here! And since Facebook is connected to everything, I see that button on every site that has a link to Facebook.

The ‘Like’ button. Could anything be more lazy, apathetic, cheap, or infuriating? (Yes, I know, many things, but that was hyperbole.) Not only are people too lazy to form opinions consisting of more than one word, they’re too lazy to even type one word! This button is barely more than a stamp of ‘noted’. What they’re saying, whether they mean to or not, is: “I read this, or at least enough to think that I got the gist of it, I felt slightly favorable towards the content, and then I moved on and forgot about it.” Blurghkslvwfla! Don’t even indicate your passing if that’s all the response you can muster.

Of course it doesn’t help that every time I see that someone ‘liked’ something I imagine their attitude to be like that of the overly cheerful intern on Scrubs (season 8). “Oh, that’s great, that’s wonderful! I only read the first line but I’m so happy for you! Bunnies!” Would I regret punching you in the face? No, it’d be worth it.

Yes, winding down. This is another case of me being prejudiced and extremely favoritistic. I organize, usually without even thinking about it, my friends and acquaintances into groups. If you’re in the right group, you could do something as dastardly as click the ‘Like’ button on something of mine and I’d be sort of okay with it. We’d still be cool. On the other hand, if you’re in the wrong group, you could ‘like’ my status once and forever after be that person in the front of my mind as I pound out these pseudo-rants with revulsion. Don’t do that to yourself. Keep your fingers away from the button. Write something – something good. If you’re not sure about your standing in my groupings, put your comment in a message. I don’t want weird stuff in front of all my other friends. Now I’m just being mean. But yes, I do delete comments.

(I rarely disclose these group listings, but if you really want to know, I guess you could try asking. Most people in the right group know that they are, and the people in the wrong group don’t know. Haha. If I say, “Don’t worry,” then you’re good, if I say “Hey, I don’t share that information,” then you might want to worry. Do other people classify like this? I know I’m awful, but am I alone in my awfulness?)

This joke has been said a thousand times, but perhaps I can redeem myself somewhat by saying I don’t mean this as a joke, I’m completely serious: if you’re going to have a ‘Like’ button, at least give us people over here a ‘Dislike’ button to even things out. And while you’re at it, taking requests, I’d like a ‘Tool’ button, too. Countless are the times I could’ve used that one, especially to…well, er…should I say this? I guess I’ll go ahead and say it. It would be really useful for when I’m looking at the profiles of the other guy friends (the ones I haven’t met) of my female friends. Ahahahahaha. Oh man. Can I ever come back from that one? Let’s take a break.

[Please understand that I’m doing this as a favor to you guys. By baring my innards and being really honest about the way my thoughts and feelings work, I’m hoping you can learn from it somehow and be wiser in your dealings with others. I want to do everything I can to help you as you take on the world. So I’m like a case study. But perhaps a bad one, if other people don’t actually think like me.]

Okay, back. Let’s get this done with. ‘Downright Idiot’ would be another useful one. Imagine that showing up in your inbox: ‘Congratulations! Brad ___ thinks you’re a Downright Idiot. Best wishes from the Facebook Team.’

And since we’re now able to cast our indifferent approval upon any bit of content on the web, why not just apply these buttons to people themselves. Make it so we can ‘like’, ‘dislike’, ‘tool’, or ‘downright idiot’ people’s profiles. Ooo! Wouldn’t it be awesome if we could vote people off Facebook? ‘We’re sorry, but 500 of your so-called friends think you’re a Tool. If you are unable to collect 250 Likes within 24 hours, your account will be terminated. Best wishes from the Facebook Team.’ And then we’d have people running around saying things like, “Can you Like me? Please Like me! What can I do to get you to Like me?” And girls at their sleepovers: “So does he, like, Like you, or, like, like like you?” “Oh, he just Likes you. He doesn’t really like you.” What will become of our species!?

Guess I wasn’t really winding down before. But I am now.

All this to say that I think it’s interesting how as we become able to give our opinions on more and more things, we communicate less and less. We’re clicking buttons, saying more, saying less, losing our expressive ability.

So don’t ‘Like’ my stuff. Tell me what you like. Tell me what you hate. And why. Write something.

I know I should polish this and make it less rant-like, because yes, that’s what it is, no matter how much I try to deny it, but I created this, ugh, ‘blog’ so that I would be able to share without too much editing. I’d complain about this on Facebook, where people might actually see it, but it just seems like it would be disregarded. Why bother? And it certainly wouldn’t be as juicy. Plus, I don’t want to make it seem like I’m attacking every single person who’s ever ‘liked’ anything on my profile. I’m really just attacking those in the second group I talked about before.

Anyways, I promised something that rhymed, so here it is. I’ll give you the first, well, second, draft, and then the revised edition, because you get cool freebies like that when you visit my blog. Facebook will only get the final (for now) product.

Draft:

When spring is skipped

To get to summer,

The fall comes quick,

And that’s a bummer.

I laughed at that. But of course it’s unacceptable. So I thought a bit and came up with this:

When spring is skipped

To get to summer,

The fall comes quick –

Cold winter’s forerunner.

I kind of like that. Maybe someday I’ll be able to add some more stanzas to it.

Whaddaya know, this got long.

Thanks for reading, I’m going to take one more quick look through this to make sure there’s not anything I really couldn’t stand to have you see, then I’ll put it up. And hopefully the next one won’t be too long coming!

Bye

-Brad

Okay, I Missed You

I guess I didn’t truly realize until now how few people around me are actually ‘like’ me. By ‘like’ I mean people who had a least a few of the same experiences growing up as I did – TCK kinda stuff. I’m in the country I grew up in, yes, but nearly all my high school classmates, or any classmates, for that matter, are not here. They’re in America or elsewhere.

My circles, presently, consist of family, work, Hi-B.A., and church. Family is hardly a circle, but I included it because I realized it’s not actually a given. I was away from them last year and I will be next year. So I’m enjoying it now (that’s the proper thing to say). But it’s only my parents, and while I like them a lot, I don’t make myself vulnerable to them. That may sound like a weird way to say it. What I mean is that I talk a lot about what I’m passionate about, and they indulge me by listening, but I don’t share what I struggle with.

Work is teaching English at Gaba. My ‘clients’ range from university students to housewives to businessmen. The conversations are interesting, but it’s not about me, it’s about them – they’re paying to learn. I try to get as much as I can out of the conversations while still meeting their needs, and at the same time, I try to give them as much as possible without overstepping my bounds. It’s a good time, considering I’m getting paid for it. I wouldn’t call them friends. My coworkers are a hugely diverse lot, and quite different from me. Though I enjoy them immensely and share my experiences while listening to theirs, the connections are fairly light at this point. It’s limited to our interactions during mutual work hours, though that may change in the future.

Hi-B.A. is probably the closest company to where I came from (it is at the high school I graduated from, after all). But on the other hand, the students are all younger than me and the staff are all older.

I feel I need to add at this point, at least for my own relief, that I’m not complaining. Each of the circles I’m describing are basically how they should be. I’m not pointing out faults, I’m just explaining a need I realized I have and why it’s not being met at present. I hope you understand.

When I’m at Hi-B.A. I feel I have a purpose to accomplish, that is, the spiritual strengthening of the students who come. Not that that’s up to me, but I try to play a part. Not to say that I don’t merely enjoy their company as well. I do. But it’s a different company than my own friends.

And church is…unsatisfactory. It feels really old to me. Even though it has more young people than most Japanese churches, the young people feel old to me in the sense that they fit in to what has already been established and don’t seem to seek to change it. I’m not so much of a rebel (take that statement with a grain of salt), but I do want to see people being fulfilled in their identity rather than fitting themselves into someone else’s paradigm.

I want to go to a Japanese church because I want to be involved in the ministry instead of remaining within a foreign, Christian bubble (not to say that’s what certain people are doing). My place is in the field. But I don’t think that means sacrificing my worship, fellowship, and learning needs. There’s a medium, no, there’s a third option somewhere. I haven’t found it yet.

I don’t think it would be right for me to leave the church without at least proposing some changes. And that doesn’t sit well with me because I’m hardwired to run away from problems. But I will devote some thought to what I would like to see happen, keeping in mind that it’s not about me, it’s about God.

Those are my circles, and none of them identify with me particularly well.

This isn’t a self-pity party! I promise! You can say “Suck it up” if you want, honest. I say it to myself a lot. But now I’m trying to figure out how to remedy this slight issue. I think I need to for my own sanity, before it gets worse.

Probably the reason I’m think about this now, or that I realized this now, is that Christmas break is coming to a close for most uni students, during which a lot of my friends did come back to Japan. We hung out, and it was really good. But now they’re leaving.

I thought I was satisfied here, with my little self-made prosperous life-after-college-which-is-really-my-year-saving-up-to-go-to-college. But the past strikes again. I miss my friends, I miss people I can relate to.

I don’t like saying that I miss people, so keep this under wraps, okay? It could damage my image if it got out.

The way I see it, there are several things I could do to improve my situation.

• I could spend more time communicating digitally with friends overseas, staying in touch through means like Facebook, Skype, and, oh, that retro thing called e-mail. Skype is the best option, but also the hardest to arrange. I spend too much time on Facebook, but if I switched my activities from perusing (read: stalking) to messaging, it might approach the classification of ‘time well-spent’. Maybe. Digital communication still leaves a lot to be desired; I think I can do better than this.
• I could invest more in the relationships I have, particularly those at Hi-B.A. I’ve been feeling lately like I’m not putting enough of myself into that. I particularly would like to have one or more AGs (Accountability Group – you checked your knee-jerk reactions at the door, remember) in order to get to know some guys better and be mutually strengthened through fellowship. This might be what I’m looking for, and I need to pursue it harder.
• The last thing I can think of is to develop my friendships with my classmates remaining in Japan. I’ve been trying to meet up with one of them for a while, and I’ve seen a few others in the past few months, but for the most part I’ve dropped out of contact with them because I didn’t talk with them much even during the school year. I would like that to change, and since I am an awkward sort of fellow, it might be difficult at first, but I think I will try to initiate something. I need more justification to mock returning students’ feeble attempts at ‘reunions’, at any rate.

That’s my plan of action to deal with this lack of connection that seems to have festered under the radar since last summer. My theme for 2010 is discipline, and I think that maintaining good communications with people who matter to me is a big part of that, both for me and for them.

Or I could just be spouting off of an emotional outpouring brought on by recent events. In any case, I apologize for not taking the time to proofread this entry before posting it.

Comment.

-Brad