Metaphor Isn’t My Strong Suit Yet, Nor Is My Real One

Well guys, it’s been too long. That’s a standard greeting in conditions of long absences, but it makes absolutely no sense in this particular context seeing as I created the absence and nothing whatsoever forced me to do so. It is completely my fault that I’ve so totally neglected this corner of my galaxy and chased after petty things.

But tonight, I came home from work and didn’t turn on the TV (though it is on now at the hand of my father…thanks, dad). Not that I often turn on the TV. More to the point, I didn’t come home and start downloading another episode of Scrubs or The Big Bang Theory, or worse yet, start watching it instantly on Megavideo (yes, I can tell you where to get access to every show and movie ever created, for free, and no, I won’t be held accountable for the damage to your mind and soul. I’ve already suffered enough at the hands of myself).

That Hulu commercial was absolutely right when it said that TV turns your mind to mush, and Hulu will do an even quicker job of it. Well, I’ve got something far better than Hulu. Online TV archives are quite possibly the most insidious attack on the intellect yet.

But tonight I did not go straight to that. I may yet later, but most likely there won’t be time, because when I get started writing, I can go for hours. Maybe even days. It would be interesting to see how long I could continue writing without breaks of any significant length. A few nights ago I did a power-writing session, starting with five minutes (no rest allowed, you must continue typing for the duration – needless to say, content is secondary) and increasing. Actually at about the third time I just let loose and went for about thirty minutes. I’m not sure about other people, but for me, writing is as easy as secreting enzymes (yes, I admit the first bodily analogy to come to mind was a bit grosser than that).

That’s no boast, because like I said, quality is not the issue here. What is the issue is blatantly laying in front of your all-too-forgiving eyes the ridiculosity (should be a word) with which I’ve conducted myself these past few months.

Here I have the means to express myself in any way I please, with just as little censorship as I please, and not even proofread the entries, for crying out loud! What could be an easier set of requirements? All I had to do was write, and write I could not. The term writer’s block comes to mind, but that actually sounds legit so it does not apply here. What I had was a seriously illegitimate case of laziness and distraction.

I’ll cut to the chase. I lost sight of my goal. That’s why my quality of life in virtually every arena plummeted. I set out on this year determined to make enough money to go to university in England in September, get better acquainted with Japanese culture (yeah, I heard you in the back say otaku. That’s why you’re in the back), practically apply what I learned last year, and learn how to handle myself out of formal education. That’s a long list, but the first one is the one that counts. The one that matters. The one I lost sight of.

I was so excited about this year because I was excited about next year. When I step off that plane in Heathrow (maybe) [actually it turned out to be Leeds-Bradford. 3/11/10] in just a few months, my life course will shift. My life won’t change that instant, but the direction of things will; that’s where everything will start. So I need to bring my present self to a closure of sorts, and prepare. I was so excited.

But I got a wonderful job that was nevertheless fairly demanding, and I lost sight of the reason I got the job. Teaching English, despite being a chance to meet interesting people and have interesting, albeit stunted, conversations, is not something I could do for a living. Far from it. On its own, it would drive me crazy. It already is. How can a poet be expected to teach English communication? I don’t operate on that plane, and I say that not out of arrogance, but desperation. Any of you, even if this is the first article of mine you’ve ever read, can see that. Right or wrong, and most likely wrong, I make people come to me, I don’t go to them.

But going to them is exactly what I’ve been doing since November, because that’s what teaching takes. That’s a fact, a necessity, and not an evil – as long as I had an ulterior release. But I succumbed to things of temporal pleasure – visual entertainment, social activity (including solo excursions based on the premeditatedly-known-to-be-false premise that something good might actually come of them), what have you. I gave up the higher things, the things that take time and effort to reap the fruit of, such as reading, research, meditation, and expression. And these cheap trivialities that came at such a high cost for collateral damages failed to replenish the energy I needed to pour into a different me, a professional me.

Because if you’re going to fake it in any area of your life, you need the authentic areas to work double hard to supply the self-affirmation and determination necessary to pull the dead weight along. In other words, a double life is not an impossibility, but only if one can keep his balance hopping along on one foot.

My authentic areas were very energizing, particularly Hi-B.A., but they didn’t occupy enough of my time or I didn’t pour myself into them enough to keep the engine running. And I was lazy with my me-time. That’s where the consequences hit the hardest. What do I do when I have no external pressures placed on me? Not much, it has become clear.

So did I come crashing down, tripping over myself and my gimp leg? Actually, no. I switched hopping legs. It was a physical relief at first, but inevitably felt unnatural. I ignored the feeling, resolving to keep on, but it wasn’t meant to be.

I’ve lost track of what I’m talking about – the metaphor has worn out its welcome; outlived its usefulness. I got carried away from the meaning. Sorry about that. A proper writer would delete the refuse and rewrite, but it’s late and I’m determined to at least post something to turn the tide of block/silence. For your sake, I’ll wind down.

Make no mistake, I fully believe that the idea is to run with two legs. There’s meant to be a consistency, a fullness in all proper areas of life, and my job is a proper area, for I was blessed in a time when I needed precisely all that it had to offer – good pay and a flexible schedule, to name but a few. However my poor choices and shortsighted, narrow-mindedness set the two at odds.

That’s where I’ll end for tonight. Remember, the author is not responsible for any views or experiences expressed herein, nor any interpretations, conclusions, assumptions, bloodlust, or taking to the streets by alleged readers that may commence as a result of passing by or ingesting these contents.

-Brad, and it’s good to be back, empty room. This post totally didn’t go where I thought it would or meant it to, but…whatever.

Okay, I Missed You

I guess I didn’t truly realize until now how few people around me are actually ‘like’ me. By ‘like’ I mean people who had a least a few of the same experiences growing up as I did – TCK kinda stuff. I’m in the country I grew up in, yes, but nearly all my high school classmates, or any classmates, for that matter, are not here. They’re in America or elsewhere.

My circles, presently, consist of family, work, Hi-B.A., and church. Family is hardly a circle, but I included it because I realized it’s not actually a given. I was away from them last year and I will be next year. So I’m enjoying it now (that’s the proper thing to say). But it’s only my parents, and while I like them a lot, I don’t make myself vulnerable to them. That may sound like a weird way to say it. What I mean is that I talk a lot about what I’m passionate about, and they indulge me by listening, but I don’t share what I struggle with.

Work is teaching English at Gaba. My ‘clients’ range from university students to housewives to businessmen. The conversations are interesting, but it’s not about me, it’s about them – they’re paying to learn. I try to get as much as I can out of the conversations while still meeting their needs, and at the same time, I try to give them as much as possible without overstepping my bounds. It’s a good time, considering I’m getting paid for it. I wouldn’t call them friends. My coworkers are a hugely diverse lot, and quite different from me. Though I enjoy them immensely and share my experiences while listening to theirs, the connections are fairly light at this point. It’s limited to our interactions during mutual work hours, though that may change in the future.

Hi-B.A. is probably the closest company to where I came from (it is at the high school I graduated from, after all). But on the other hand, the students are all younger than me and the staff are all older.

I feel I need to add at this point, at least for my own relief, that I’m not complaining. Each of the circles I’m describing are basically how they should be. I’m not pointing out faults, I’m just explaining a need I realized I have and why it’s not being met at present. I hope you understand.

When I’m at Hi-B.A. I feel I have a purpose to accomplish, that is, the spiritual strengthening of the students who come. Not that that’s up to me, but I try to play a part. Not to say that I don’t merely enjoy their company as well. I do. But it’s a different company than my own friends.

And church is…unsatisfactory. It feels really old to me. Even though it has more young people than most Japanese churches, the young people feel old to me in the sense that they fit in to what has already been established and don’t seem to seek to change it. I’m not so much of a rebel (take that statement with a grain of salt), but I do want to see people being fulfilled in their identity rather than fitting themselves into someone else’s paradigm.

I want to go to a Japanese church because I want to be involved in the ministry instead of remaining within a foreign, Christian bubble (not to say that’s what certain people are doing). My place is in the field. But I don’t think that means sacrificing my worship, fellowship, and learning needs. There’s a medium, no, there’s a third option somewhere. I haven’t found it yet.

I don’t think it would be right for me to leave the church without at least proposing some changes. And that doesn’t sit well with me because I’m hardwired to run away from problems. But I will devote some thought to what I would like to see happen, keeping in mind that it’s not about me, it’s about God.

Those are my circles, and none of them identify with me particularly well.

This isn’t a self-pity party! I promise! You can say “Suck it up” if you want, honest. I say it to myself a lot. But now I’m trying to figure out how to remedy this slight issue. I think I need to for my own sanity, before it gets worse.

Probably the reason I’m think about this now, or that I realized this now, is that Christmas break is coming to a close for most uni students, during which a lot of my friends did come back to Japan. We hung out, and it was really good. But now they’re leaving.

I thought I was satisfied here, with my little self-made prosperous life-after-college-which-is-really-my-year-saving-up-to-go-to-college. But the past strikes again. I miss my friends, I miss people I can relate to.

I don’t like saying that I miss people, so keep this under wraps, okay? It could damage my image if it got out.

The way I see it, there are several things I could do to improve my situation.

• I could spend more time communicating digitally with friends overseas, staying in touch through means like Facebook, Skype, and, oh, that retro thing called e-mail. Skype is the best option, but also the hardest to arrange. I spend too much time on Facebook, but if I switched my activities from perusing (read: stalking) to messaging, it might approach the classification of ‘time well-spent’. Maybe. Digital communication still leaves a lot to be desired; I think I can do better than this.
• I could invest more in the relationships I have, particularly those at Hi-B.A. I’ve been feeling lately like I’m not putting enough of myself into that. I particularly would like to have one or more AGs (Accountability Group – you checked your knee-jerk reactions at the door, remember) in order to get to know some guys better and be mutually strengthened through fellowship. This might be what I’m looking for, and I need to pursue it harder.
• The last thing I can think of is to develop my friendships with my classmates remaining in Japan. I’ve been trying to meet up with one of them for a while, and I’ve seen a few others in the past few months, but for the most part I’ve dropped out of contact with them because I didn’t talk with them much even during the school year. I would like that to change, and since I am an awkward sort of fellow, it might be difficult at first, but I think I will try to initiate something. I need more justification to mock returning students’ feeble attempts at ‘reunions’, at any rate.

That’s my plan of action to deal with this lack of connection that seems to have festered under the radar since last summer. My theme for 2010 is discipline, and I think that maintaining good communications with people who matter to me is a big part of that, both for me and for them.

Or I could just be spouting off of an emotional outpouring brought on by recent events. In any case, I apologize for not taking the time to proofread this entry before posting it.

Comment.

-Brad