Everyone Has An ‘Is Anybody Out There?’ Moment Sometime, Right?

(I probably do too-long titles, in general.)

I’m really dissatisfied with this site. I’m dissatisfied with a lot of things at the moment, but this is one thing I really don’t like and feel like I should be able to change but so far haven’t been able to. It feels inefficient and ugly. I want it to be simple but appealing, light but deep. But I don’t know how to do that. I could go really minimalist and strip it down to a single blog, but I also like organisation and I do have a lot of different topics and ideas.

Maybe the problem is that I created the framework before the content. I made the TCK section before actually writing any TCK stuff. I thought it would come quickly but I’ve been preoccupied with my real life (and of course a sizeable amount of time-wasting) and it hasn’t.

That’s why I need you guys to let me know what you think and what you want. I feel like I’m always asking that, but then I saw another site with a similar request and I thought, “I don’t really know you, man, just be yourself and put out what you like.” So I guess it’s stupid for me to be asking all of you (the two of you that are reading this, probably) that same question. If you agree with my reaction and just want me to ‘be myself’ then say so. If you’d rather have something else, say so, because I’m a pretty good faker. At some things.

A lot of people have their blog on their home page, but I don’t like that. I like having a set home page that has a little about the site, a little guidance, and a little taste of what I am. No, who I am.

So I shall set about trying to do that.

I also wanted to make this a site I’d feel comfortable linking to from Facebook and other places; you know, really having it represent me. But I’m not so sure about that. I’m quite finicky about online presence. Or should I say skittish. Both delightful words.

Not that I should even be spending this time here. I have work to do, self-improvement to accomplish. Study!

(Oh, on a perhaps related note, I discovered this place called HubPages where you write about stuff and if lots of people come and read it and click on the various and annoying ads, you get some money. So I’m going to try that out because I need money. What do you think I should write about? It’s supposed to be helpful.)

I’m A Writer

[Originally published 11 November 2008. Updated 4 November 2010.]

Sometime during high school I realized how cool I think it sounds to be a ‘writer’. Someone asks another in some setting, whatever it may be, “So what do you do?” and the other replies, “I’m a writer.” It says so much and yet so little. It speaks of the courage to interact critically with the forces at work in the world, yet ambiguously refers only to the act of putting words on paper. And at some point quickly following my realization of my admiration for that label, I came to the conclusion that I wanted it for myself (No doubt a story I read in junior high called ‘The Book of the Banshee’ was an influence in this process, though I didn’t recognize it as such until much later).

In the general scope of things, ‘writer’ is a rather accessible aspiration, quite like being a runner. There are speedy and slow people, fit and fat people, tough and tame people, but all that is irrelevant. One is a runner simply by getting out and running, entering a league of elite set apart by willpower alone. And writing is the same way.

Many write to no one but themselves. They are the unheard artists, or perhaps merely the heartbroken. But unlike those who run alone and, though runners, keep their efforts and performance to themselves, I want to take this further than myself, both for my own improvement and for whatever may come of it. I’ve run a long ways alone.

So I will be a writer, regardless of any other labels I may accumulate, whether I can coherently present perspective or not even negotiate a single sentence succinctly. Getting published is certainly beside the point (in this age of blogging – ugh – no one needs an editor of any sort to get opinion out, and the world is the worse for it). You are my editor, should you choose to make your presence known by responding. And while Truman Capote emphatically states that the ability to write is an innate talent unaffected by formal instruction, iron does sharpen iron.

That’s one thing writing has over speaking (because, make no mistake, this is about communication as much as expression) – those who read are under no obligation to react visibly, or even stick around if they don’t care. But those that do will stay, read, and hopefully interact. I truly do hope that. Accepting the fact that communication is what you take in, not what I spit out, tell me what you don’t like (and what you like, of course, though I try not to take encouragement, however well-intentioned, too seriously) in the concepts, opinions, facts, vocabulary, anything.

And if it bugs you terribly, by all means, call me out on straying from my focus, whatever that may be. It’s a dreadful temptation for me which I succumb to far too often – as evidenced by the earliest entries on my blog. I mean to minimise such distractions as much as possible in these more lengthy compositions. Rambling is for Matsu entries, Facebook messages, and shorter blog entries (which in turn grow tiresomely long). Still, keep in mind that any material here is in draft form; nothing short of publication is final. Hack away, that’s what threads are for, but know that you may just get what you demand. Revisions should be expected; I’m finally realizing that I must stop trying to get it right the first time.

This is something I’ve been meaning to do for a long time, even as I swear that that will not become the refrain of the rest of my life. The greatest catalyst was coming to America [and more recently the UK] and seeing the sharp differences in certain aspects of life. I want to record my observations and I figure they could be entertaining to more than just my future self (hello there, by the way – are you where you should be by now?). No doubt I will look back on these and marvel at my erroneous mindsets and beliefs, but these are necessary stones in building a vantage point from which to look back. If I have even an inkling of what I’m doing here.

Welcome to the process.

-Brad

Okay, I Missed You

I guess I didn’t truly realize until now how few people around me are actually ‘like’ me. By ‘like’ I mean people who had a least a few of the same experiences growing up as I did – TCK kinda stuff. I’m in the country I grew up in, yes, but nearly all my high school classmates, or any classmates, for that matter, are not here. They’re in America or elsewhere.

My circles, presently, consist of family, work, Hi-B.A., and church. Family is hardly a circle, but I included it because I realized it’s not actually a given. I was away from them last year and I will be next year. So I’m enjoying it now (that’s the proper thing to say). But it’s only my parents, and while I like them a lot, I don’t make myself vulnerable to them. That may sound like a weird way to say it. What I mean is that I talk a lot about what I’m passionate about, and they indulge me by listening, but I don’t share what I struggle with.

Work is teaching English at Gaba. My ‘clients’ range from university students to housewives to businessmen. The conversations are interesting, but it’s not about me, it’s about them – they’re paying to learn. I try to get as much as I can out of the conversations while still meeting their needs, and at the same time, I try to give them as much as possible without overstepping my bounds. It’s a good time, considering I’m getting paid for it. I wouldn’t call them friends. My coworkers are a hugely diverse lot, and quite different from me. Though I enjoy them immensely and share my experiences while listening to theirs, the connections are fairly light at this point. It’s limited to our interactions during mutual work hours, though that may change in the future.

Hi-B.A. is probably the closest company to where I came from (it is at the high school I graduated from, after all). But on the other hand, the students are all younger than me and the staff are all older.

I feel I need to add at this point, at least for my own relief, that I’m not complaining. Each of the circles I’m describing are basically how they should be. I’m not pointing out faults, I’m just explaining a need I realized I have and why it’s not being met at present. I hope you understand.

When I’m at Hi-B.A. I feel I have a purpose to accomplish, that is, the spiritual strengthening of the students who come. Not that that’s up to me, but I try to play a part. Not to say that I don’t merely enjoy their company as well. I do. But it’s a different company than my own friends.

And church is…unsatisfactory. It feels really old to me. Even though it has more young people than most Japanese churches, the young people feel old to me in the sense that they fit in to what has already been established and don’t seem to seek to change it. I’m not so much of a rebel (take that statement with a grain of salt), but I do want to see people being fulfilled in their identity rather than fitting themselves into someone else’s paradigm.

I want to go to a Japanese church because I want to be involved in the ministry instead of remaining within a foreign, Christian bubble (not to say that’s what certain people are doing). My place is in the field. But I don’t think that means sacrificing my worship, fellowship, and learning needs. There’s a medium, no, there’s a third option somewhere. I haven’t found it yet.

I don’t think it would be right for me to leave the church without at least proposing some changes. And that doesn’t sit well with me because I’m hardwired to run away from problems. But I will devote some thought to what I would like to see happen, keeping in mind that it’s not about me, it’s about God.

Those are my circles, and none of them identify with me particularly well.

This isn’t a self-pity party! I promise! You can say “Suck it up” if you want, honest. I say it to myself a lot. But now I’m trying to figure out how to remedy this slight issue. I think I need to for my own sanity, before it gets worse.

Probably the reason I’m think about this now, or that I realized this now, is that Christmas break is coming to a close for most uni students, during which a lot of my friends did come back to Japan. We hung out, and it was really good. But now they’re leaving.

I thought I was satisfied here, with my little self-made prosperous life-after-college-which-is-really-my-year-saving-up-to-go-to-college. But the past strikes again. I miss my friends, I miss people I can relate to.

I don’t like saying that I miss people, so keep this under wraps, okay? It could damage my image if it got out.

The way I see it, there are several things I could do to improve my situation.

• I could spend more time communicating digitally with friends overseas, staying in touch through means like Facebook, Skype, and, oh, that retro thing called e-mail. Skype is the best option, but also the hardest to arrange. I spend too much time on Facebook, but if I switched my activities from perusing (read: stalking) to messaging, it might approach the classification of ‘time well-spent’. Maybe. Digital communication still leaves a lot to be desired; I think I can do better than this.
• I could invest more in the relationships I have, particularly those at Hi-B.A. I’ve been feeling lately like I’m not putting enough of myself into that. I particularly would like to have one or more AGs (Accountability Group – you checked your knee-jerk reactions at the door, remember) in order to get to know some guys better and be mutually strengthened through fellowship. This might be what I’m looking for, and I need to pursue it harder.
• The last thing I can think of is to develop my friendships with my classmates remaining in Japan. I’ve been trying to meet up with one of them for a while, and I’ve seen a few others in the past few months, but for the most part I’ve dropped out of contact with them because I didn’t talk with them much even during the school year. I would like that to change, and since I am an awkward sort of fellow, it might be difficult at first, but I think I will try to initiate something. I need more justification to mock returning students’ feeble attempts at ‘reunions’, at any rate.

That’s my plan of action to deal with this lack of connection that seems to have festered under the radar since last summer. My theme for 2010 is discipline, and I think that maintaining good communications with people who matter to me is a big part of that, both for me and for them.

Or I could just be spouting off of an emotional outpouring brought on by recent events. In any case, I apologize for not taking the time to proofread this entry before posting it.

Comment.

-Brad